As a therapist, I recognize that a large part of wellness is learning about emotions and how to understand them. It is not uncommon for us to grow up without being taught emotional intelligence or how to build a vocabulary around our feelings. Instead, we are often encouraged to hide or suppress them — especially the “bad” ones.
Our feelings may be invalidated or ignored by others when we are in emotional distress, even by people who mean well. If you routinely hear things like “suck it up,” “other people have it worse, so don’t complain,” “stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,” or “you should smile more,” then you may never have experienced a safe space to share your feelings and have them validated. In addition, comments like these place value judgments on emotions, so we learn to think of them as good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable.
Here’s the thing: Emotions are neutral.
The spectrum of emotions that we feel is part of being human. Every one of us has felt anger, sadness, loneliness, frustration, joy, contentment, hope, jealousy, fear, and love. Some emotions are certainly more pleasant than others to experience, but none of them are wrong. Feeling them does not make us bad. It makes us normal.
What can be bad or negative is the way that we respond to our emotions. For example, I have coped with my anger and irritation by yelling at people I love. My feelings are valid, but my response is not. The more we ignore, hide, and suppress our feelings, the more likely it is that they will come out in ways we don’t expect and feel unequipped to cope with. The response is often whatever brings the quickest relief, which can be negative or dangerous.
Methods for Coping with Emotions
Learning new ways to respond to and cope with our emotions can be challenging, but it is essential for mental wellness. Here are a few methods I teach my clients:
- Practice building an awareness of the emotions you have learned to view as bad. Reframe your thoughts around them by exploring which ones feel distressing and which ones feel pleasant.
- Embrace an attitude of curiosity toward your emotions. Where did this emotion come from? What is it trying to tell me? What can I do about it?
- Incorporate a daily practice of checking in with and validating your emotions. You may try talking with a trusted friend or family member or take up journaling, whether it’s a bullet journal, poetry, or free-form writing. Seeing or hearing your feelings reflected back at you can change how you think about and process them.
- Identify positive ways to cope with each emotion. For example, your anger might be telling you that people are crossing your boundaries. A positive way to cope with this is to establish and assert clear boundaries.
- When emotions feel particularly distressing, learn to practice deep breathing (in through the nose, down into the belly, and out through the mouth).
It’s OK to Feel Your Feelings
No matter how many positive coping skills you have, the solution sometimes is to just sit with it. It is OK not to feel OK. It is OK to cry and yell into a pillow. It is OK to feel your feelings.
It takes practice but tolerating distress and even leaning into it can help us release it much sooner. We can spend so much time avoiding, ignoring, and distracting ourselves from uncomfortable emotions that we often make it worse. I like to imagine emotions as waves in the ocean. I realize that they come but that they also go. Emotional states are transitional. They provide us with information and remind us that we’re human.
Living with a disability can evoke many feelings. Learning to embrace my grief along with my pride, my anger along with my joy, and my sadness along with my hope has been a long and difficult journey. But it has also helped me to understand myself and my humanity in ways I never knew I could.
Wherever you are in your own journey, I hope it is filled with self-compassion and grace. And I hope that you permit yourself to embrace the full range of your emotions.
Visit the United Spinal Association blog regularly for more coping resources. Don’t hesitate to contact United Spinal Association’s Community Support team for more information or assistance, and consider joining our community by signing up for a free membership. To support our mission, donate here.
Michaela Devins
Member, Boston Chapter of United Spinal Association