- This Valentine’s Day, our member Ali Ingersoll reminds us there are different types of relationships, and they are all possible for wheelchair users.
- Ali, a C6 quadriplegic, takes a deep dive into dating, relationships and being single from the perspective of four of her fellow United Spinal Association members.
- Those interviewed include women, men, paraplegics, and quadriplegics. They share their relationship fears, joys, and advice.
Valentine’s Day evokes powerful emotions, from feeling alone to being loved.
Too many people feel excluded because there is such a focus on sharing the holiday with a significant other. But I see Valentine’s Day as a celebration of all types of love — the love of my accomplishments, the people who surround me, and the kind people in my life.
Instead of leaving people out, we could promote Valentine’s Day as a day of inclusion by showing what love means to different people.
With that in mind, I interviewed four wheelchair users about dating, relationships, and being single. Karen Roy and Lee James answer dating questions. Sabrina Cohen and Bob Wassam share tips about maintaining relationships, and Lee and Sabrina chime in about learning to live happily alone.
Tell Me About Dating Profiles
Before even downloading that dating app, make sure you feel good about yourself, says Karen, a paraplegic since 1987.
“If you have baggage from past relationships, seek counseling and work through your issues,” she says. “After you’ve taken care of yourself psychologically, make sure you feel confident about your appearance. Small things like sprucing up your wardrobe can help to exude confidence.”
How about a profile pic?
“Get someone to take high-quality photos of you and add good angles,” she says. “Nothing limits your potential dates more than bad pictures on a dating app.”
What’s a good angle?
“I liked to use a full-body picture of myself that showed my wheelchair. I wanted to make sure that it was obvious I was in a wheelchair, so if the potential date wanted to ask questions, we could address them early in the conversation.”
Is dating harder for those who are older than millennials?
“Dating later in life was much better than dating when I was younger because now, I know who I am and what I want,” says Karen. “At this point in my life, I am independent in many ways, and I was looking for a relationship because it was something I wanted and not something I needed.”
But seriously, the wheelchair is not a deal breaker, right?
“Many people will see the wheelchair and immediately count you out due to their internal bias. It’s important to be emotionally prepared for rejection from people who haven’t even attempted to get to know you,” says Karen. “On the flip side, I also made decisions not to go on a date with someone based on their appearance or because of the way they answered questions. It helps me to remember that rejection is part of dating for everyone.”
It may take a little longer when you’re older, and disability stigma is real, but Karen found it was worth the wait. “I found my person on Bumble. Jason and I are now engaged and planning our lives together.”
How did Jason react to your disability?
“Jason was open from the first conversation to learning about my disability and the accessibility issues I face. His eagerness to learn everything about me was refreshing. He wanted to learn everything from how I transferred to how I handled people’s reactions to my wheelchair life in public, which is important to me,” says Karen.
This open communication allows the couple to tackle difficult topics like family issues or intimacy. “We try to be open and brutally honest about things we know could ruin our relationship. We don’t avoid issues like our children, my disability, or finances,” says Karen. “Jason makes me better at everything I do, and I do the same for him in different ways. Our strengths, weaknesses, and interests complement one another in ways I did not experience in my past relationships.”
Congratulations, Karen and Jason. I wish you a beautiful life and a wonderful wedding to come!
Advice for people afraid to put themselves out there and start dating.
“Be easy with yourself, please. Take it as slow as you need, but don’t freeze up and not try because a healthy, fulfilling relationship is possible,” says Lee James, a C5-7 incomplete quadriplegic and licensed therapist.
Do you think it might hurt more if people never try?
“I’ve worked with and met many people with disabilities in their 60s and 70s who have gone their whole lives without seeing themselves as sexually or emotionally valid due to internalized stigma,” says Lee. “The negative attitudes are out there, and we do have to work on not letting them in.”
Dating is difficult whether you have a disability or not. Stay open-minded to what could be if you allow yourself to be vulnerable.
“Risk rejection, over and over, as that is what it means to live as a human being,” says Lee. “Remember, it’s not just your injury or disability. Being rejected actually makes you ‘one of the crowd.’”
Sometimes we’re not single by choice.
Lee would rather not be alone. He tries not to let his relationship status consume him. Here, the licensed therapist opens up about his own struggles.
“Honestly, at 49 years old, I long to be in a relationship. I am obsessed with it. If I self-analyze, I know that it is not healthy for me, and I am working on it. I still retain certain stigmas and judgments of myself with the disability.”
“For all I have been through in my 35 years using a wheelchair, I’ve been fortunate to love deeply and express myself emotionally and sexually with some incredible women. I am so grateful for that. So, I try to step away from obsession into simply being open to a relationship, looking when I can, flirting, and having fun, but not panicking myself.
“It’s about ultimately knowing that being alone is also OK. There are many types of intimacy in this life. Relationships do not define us, and how we choose to live does.
“Is it OK to long? To want? Sure. Just do the work so it does not consume you.”
It’s OK to ask for help.
Sabrina Cohen, a quadriplegic since 1992, chose to be single until she understood why she was attracting the wrong type of partner. She learned that if you are interested in a romantic relationship, you must first be comfortable with yourself.
“In 2020, I hired a love coach who helped me look into the past to resolve all unresolved issues. In just three months, I could pinpoint where my childhood traumas affected me and tied them to my adulthood. I also combined them with the natural challenges of coming to terms with a spinal cord injury.
I could clear out so much of my past behaviors because I understood them. I gave everything I had and was willing to look into the mirror and operate from a conscious level instead of a subconscious one. I learned that I was repeating patterns that affected me from my parents’ relationship. Once I could see and understand that dynamic, I felt empowered to change it. As a result, two years later, I’m in a beautiful and loving relationship with a man who accepts me for who I am. I’ve learned to be patient and continuously work on becoming more vulnerable.
This entails letting your partner see all aspects of who you are, even uncomfortable ones. Pushing through my fears is key to breaking to the other side. Also, daily meditative practices help me stay calm and at peace in my life and everything coming my way.”
Sabrina’s three tips for fostering meaningful and healthy relationships.
Here is some of what Sabrina learned from her work with a love coach:
- You must do soul-searching and be ready for companionship because it will take vulnerability to be truly open to love. You must learn to love yourself and allow someone else to love you.
- Understand your needs exactly, but also create the space to be patient and understand that not everyone is the same. Your partner will likely be similar to you but will also have different needs.
- Have faith that the universe has your back and that there is somebody incredible out there for you. There is no need to cut corners. When you sense red flags, trust your intuition. When you sense that somebody’s amazing, trust that as well.
Marriage is hard, but worth it.
Bob Wassam, an incomplete quadriplegic injured in a diving accident in college, has been married for over 50 years. It takes enormous compromise, work, and patience to reach five decades of marriage.
Bob married Jayne at the age of 21 in 1971. When he broke his neck a year later, their relationship went from young lovers to caregiver/patient. “While I was fortunate to recover quickly and was walking in about six months, things were still not the same,” he says
Bob and Jayne both returned to work while Bob was still becoming used to reduced mobility and strength, compromised sexual function and other disability-related issues. When they were 30, their marriage became more complicated with the birth of their daughter.
“Relationship-wise, due to family pressures and a new child, we still hung in there,” he says. “We put our daughter’s needs ahead of ours, which we’ve always done. Much credit goes to my wife. She’s a strong and loyal woman.”
Is there still happiness and love after five decades of marriage?
“Yes,” says Bob. “If you don’t focus on yourself and instead on being a couple in a partnership. Put your own needs and wants aside, and don’t be selfish. Marriage is about loyalty, sacrifice, and service to others,” he says.
There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, life, or relationship. Sometimes you must put your needs aside to focus on your partners or vice versa.
Bob and Jayne work at their relationship every day, but life with a disability, let alone marriage, is a lifelong journey of compromise, communication, and compassion.
Those love coaches are on to something.
There is no magic formula for dating, maintaining a healthy relationship, or being OK with being alone. But it all centers around one major theme: self-acceptance and self-love.
You must become comfortable with yourself, your body, mind, feelings, and thoughts. Otherwise, you will find it immensely challenging to open yourself up to accept or give love to another person.
This sounds like “love coach” advice, but it’s true.
We are perfectly imperfect human beings, and we will stumble and fall along the way. We all have our baggage, whether from a disability, childhood traumas, or events that affected us throughout our lives.
At times we may need the help of a therapist and trusted confidant to help guide us. It’s hard work — life, that is. But between those moments of extreme adversity, we also find blissful moments in people, experiences, and ourselves.
Ali Ingersoll often writes about relationships, dating, and marriage on her blog, Quirky Quad. She also wrote the Three Cs of My First Year of Marriage for our membership publication New Mobility. Her social media platforms are refreshing in their authenticity as she shares all aspects of living with a spinal cord injury, from hopeful to horrible. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.
Special Offer: All United Spinal Association members are eligible for one free month of counseling with BetterHelp, the largest online therapy platform. Existing members can claim this benefit by contacting Lindsey Elliott, our Senior Director of Community and Peer Support. United Spinal membership is free, thanks to our generous sponsors.