‘Destiny’ is how Gilbert Tan, 56, describes his relationship with Irene, his wife of 14 years. “I’m not allowed to tell Irene’s age,” he laughed.
After a swimming accident in 1983 left him a quadriplegic, he had been in and out of hospital several times after his initial recovery for multiple surgeries and infections – experiences he has compiled and published in his book, Hospitales.
During one especially long hospital stay in 1995, Gilbert met Irene in a group of school volunteers. Three years later, they decided to try “working it out” and in 2003, they got married in a small ceremony. Thirty of their family members and close relatives and friends attended the civil registration and lunch.
“We didn’t really have a proper ceremony because our families were not really [for] the wedding. My parents were thinking, ‘Why did you choose such a young girl?’ And my answer was, ‘All the old ones don’t want me!’” he said.
“When we first got together, my parents [and] her parents kept pointing out I’m disabled, and she’s so young. I said, normal couples also divorce after three years. This thing has nothing to do with age or disability. It’s about being mature and how you work things out.”
It was perhaps his drive to prove himself capable of building a career that helped their families accept that he could take care of himself and Irene. Formerly an architectural draftsman, his accident pushed him to pursue alternative work that he could do from home, such as selling insurance. Finally, with mouth painting and music he enjoyed a greater degree of success, which lasted 25 years.
“My pastor told me that I’m the only disabled [person] that was able to take care of his parents financially, to travel, do some charity work, help out in the church. I brought my parents to other countries, to almost every restaurant I can think of in Singapore.”
On human nature, Gilbert muses, “People are seldom moderate. They go from one extreme to the other.” In the beginning of their relationship, he and his wife faced opposition from both their families. “[They asked], ‘Wah, why is Irene marrying a handicapped person?’ Now, ‘Wah, these disabled can earn a lot of money!’”
After his accident, when he was at the lowest point of his life, Gilbert began to discover how people treated him differently, depending on his social status. This difference in treatment was apparent in both family and religious circles.
“We used to joke that when my accident first happened, I was not invited to relatives’ events. Because in the beginning, [it was] quite difficult to find transport to the hotels. After that okay, got transport, I will sit at the outside tables near the toilet. Now I get to sit at the red cloth [special guests] table, kena upgraded already.”
“It’s the same even in church. Before my accident, I was very popular: a guitar player, good singer. Then after my accident, quite a few of these so-called friends and church members disappeared. Some of them I haven’t seen for 10, 20 years. Last time, [I was] the outcast. After that, [I became] a bit more famous and popular. You come full circle.”
The couple face rather predictable assumptions from others about the nature of their relationship. Irene is often assumed to be the caregiver, and Gilbert is someone to be pitied or cognitively incapable, and dependent in all ways.
“Whenever we are outside, almost inevitably – about 90 percent of the time they will [say to] Irene, you are such a nice lady taking care of this poor crippled old man. They always praise her! Of course, she will smile. Then I [say], ‘Don’t you think there’s something I have that makes her attracted to me [and] willing to be my wife?’ … It’s the same when certain people meet me for the first time. They look at me [and ask], ‘Are you okay?’ They look at Irene [and ask], is he alright? Irene will say, ‘Why don’t you ask him?’ There are people who say, ‘You stay with your parents?’ I say, ‘No, the house belongs to me. My parents stay with me. I take care of them.’”
For Gilbert, the first three years of adjusting to each other after marriage were the most difficult. “Mood can affect a person quite a lot. Try not to give in to the moods. Because living together, you know each other so well, [there is] the danger of taking each other for granted, to see their faults easily. You have to change your mindset to look at the positives and to look at your own faults, which takes a bit of humility.”
However, he finds that sharing the same Christian faith helps. “If you have a platform that is neutral for you to see each other, then you cannot go overboard. My dad [used to say], ‘I’m always right, you’re always wrong.’ Which, as you know, is quite impossible. Sometimes it’s not about right or wrong, but the perspective.”
Resorting to humour to deal with the inevitable arguments of married life, Gilbert jokes, “I want to have one egg [prata] and one kosong [plain prata], but she will say, ‘Cannot have the kosong.’ I’m the head of the household, but Irene is the neck that turns it. The husband is always right, but only because the wife said so.”
“These are the little things [about being] husband and wife. We have been together 22 years already. Longer than most couples. This is fate, you can’t really pick and choose.”
