A recent incident with her younger son jolted Tiffanie DiDonato, a mother of two, to recall the uncertainty that plagued her when she was first pregnant. Tiffanie has diastrophic dysplasia, which is a rare form of dwarfism, and having children was a possibility that Tiffanie could not imagine initially.
Fast forward to today, Tiffanie is a mother of two – Titan and Tristan. As her husband had been deployed, Tiffanie moved Tristan’s crib into her room to keep a closer eye on him. However, one day, 10-month-old Tristan flipped over the rail of his crib, and fell to the floor before Tiffanie could stop him.
“I didn’t realize my arthritic body took so long to get out of bed until it was too late. By the time both my feet were firmly planted, Tristan had already somersaulted onto the floor.”
Luckily, Tristan was fine. Yet that did not stop Tiffanie from feeling doubt towards her abilities as a mother, who voiced her fears and stress after this incident. “As he sat right back up and began to cry, my biggest fear as a mom with a disability became reestablished — I was incapable of caring for a baby,” says Tiffanie. The self-doubt continued to hang over her head throughout the week, and she was consequently reminded of the question many mothers with a disability are often asked when they are pregnant: “Have you considered abortion?”
“It’s a thought that did seriously, seriously cross my mind. And how could it not?” Tiffanie admits.
Tiffanie remembers her first pregnancy, when she was carrying Titan, as one full of concerns for the health and safety of both mother and child. Tiffanie and her husband faced multiple concerns, such as if Tiffanie could carry to term due to the insufficient room for the baby to breathe and develop in her womb, or what methods of delivery could be done?
These concerns also extended to their child. “Finally, the one question no mother wants to ask; would my child also be born with a disability?”
Besides that, Tiffanie also felt societal pressure during her pregnancy.
“Women who do not fit in with society’s idea of A Perfect Mom and who have a disability are too often encouraged to not follow through with their pregnancy. Sometimes it feels like we are encouraged not to get pregnant at all.”
And Tiffanie did feel that way, as strangers left demeaning comments, like “harmful” and “irresponsible to the human race” when Tiffanie’s second pregnancy was published on People.com.
However, Tiffanie had an epiphany after seeing a billboard that read: “Take My Hand. Not My Life.” And it was then she realized that any pregnancy has its own risks, and your physical abilities do not determine whether you can be a good mother or not. Instead, it has “everything to do with being a good partner – albeit between mother and child, or mother, child, and community.”
Every pregnancy and parenting journey has its ups and downs. A mother with a disability does not make you any less of a mother. And, at the end of the day, Tiffanie knows deep down that being a mother is worth it, regardless of your abilities.
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