Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Heart-shaped candy boxes and pink cards are officially inescapable, and I want to discuss love and relationships.
The love story that has defined my life is my marriage. I found myself writing it anew, along with so many other narratives that defined me, after sustaining my spinal cord injury.
At first, I was afraid that disability would jeopardize so much of my life. Suddenly, it felt like my career and marriage were at stake. Instead, my marriage made the road to recovery smoother than I thought possible, strengthening our relationship. As I told our membership magazine, New Mobility, some years ago, my wife Gabriela’s reassurance that the things that made us happy were still intact was the inflection point in my recovery.
There is no one way to love. But what is certain to me is that healthy relationships and unconditional love help mend even the sharpest tears in the fabric of our everyday lives. It is a cliché to say that relationships can help us be our best selves, but something doesn’t become a cliché without a hint of truth.
This month’s message to my fellow disability community members is simple: We all deserve love and everything that comes with it. Internalized ableism obscures this simple fact, but the solution is clear. To be open to love from others, we must first love ourselves.
Love is Greater than Stigma
It is as vital for us as it is for the rest of society to break the stigma around our bodies. We must bring disabled beauty to the forefront of people’s consciousness.
I believe that people with disabilities are inherently beautiful, deserving of love and fully capable of loving. It should also go without saying that our relationships deserve equal treatment and should not be patronized or tokenized. Unfortunately, we must make the case for that, too. That goes for both relationships between people with disabilities and inter-abled relationships like my marriage.
Regrettably, onlookers often congratulate my wife for her “bravery” or “patience” regarding our marriage. Our marriage is a partnership, a treasured collaboration, just like any other. It takes two to make the marriage successful, yet many assume she carries the entire enterprise.
I am telling my story as one contribution among many toward breaking stereotypes and false assumptions. One sign that we have achieved true representation and integration will be when our relationships are accepted as ordinary. Our partnerships will be seen as unique rather than exceptional, flawed rather than ill-fated—just like anyone else’s.
I would love to hear your relationship stories in our Instagram and Facebook comments and Twitter replies.
Explore our support groups for partners on United Spinal’s Peer Support Group page. Contact our Community Support team for more information about all United Spinal’s chapters and programs. Join us by signing up for a free membership.
