Allison Cardwell, who has cerebral palsy, has had her fair share of dating experiences. She shares some of these experiences as she gives advice to others who are in the dating game. She says this advice is for people of all abilities and are for every stage of dating.
Take A Leap Of Faith
Allison’s first piece of dating advice is to take a leap of faith, you never know what could happen. She shares a story from her first date with her now boyfriend and how she almost did not make it to the date because she started to have doubts. “I had stacked the odds against myself, and my date, before our first meeting! Dating, in general, is intimidating, and dating with a disability can be even more daunting. It can seem like it’s not even worth it to do all the work of explaining yourself and your disability when there’s a chance it might not go anywhere. But, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take…”
No Surprises
Allison states she knows a lot of people who leave their wheelchair out of their dating profile, but this choice is not for her. “It may seem like the ultimate way for a person to get to know you for you, but the truth is, you are leaving out a huge part of who you are. When you hide your disability from a potential partner, you suggest that a disability is something to hide from,“ she says. Allison continues by saying chances are that your date will not be upset that you have a disability, but rather with the fact that you chose to hide it from them. The situation could leave you feeling even more insecure about your disability.
Use Your Wheelchair As A Personal Filter
Allison says that one of her favorite parts of having a visible disability is it helps screen out negative people from her life. “While many ignorant people are deserving of a second chance, sometimes, first impressions are all you need, and this comes to life more than ever in the online dating world.” Allison goes on to say the way a person reacts to your disability sheds light on what kind of person they are in general.
Everyone’s Heart Can Break
Allison admits that she spent a lot of time in college crying over boys. She often equated her cerebral palsy as the reason a relationship did not work out, but in hindsight, Allison has come to the conclusion that everyone goes through heartbreak, eventually. “For every girl in a wheelchair wondering if their disability ended things, there is a perfectly able-bodied girl carrying her heels home from greek row in tears over a bro. These things can happen to anyone and everyone, and when we use our disability as an excuse for being unlucky in love, we only close ourselves off to eventually finding the right guy.“
Don’t Overshare About Your Diagnosis
There are a time and place to tell a partner about your disability and/or diagnosis. A first date may not be appropriate. Allison states, “While silence isn’t the best approach, neither is oversharing. One of the best parts in any relationship is the way you get to grow and learn about each other over time. Nothing about your diagnosis is anything to be ashamed of, but there is something to be said for keeping things a mystery until you’re further along in the dating game.”
Have Patience With Your Partner
Allison advises leaning into the learning curve with your partner. “As people with disabilities, we spend a lot of time with people surrounded by family, friends, and caregivers, who don’t need any kind of explanation as to what we do (or don’t) need.” Allison emphasizes having patience and grace with your partner as they learn all of what you are capable of doing. Eventually, your partner will become one of the people in your inner circle who doesn’t need any kind of explanation when helping you.
It’s Okay If Your Partner Helps You
A hot topic in the disability community is setting boundaries between the role of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Allison admits that she does not want her boyfriend to view her as a patient, but there are times when the line between caregiver and partner need to be crossed. Allison believes a willingness to help with intimate details is healthy for a relationship. “My boyfriend sometimes ties my shoes and hooks my bra. He drives me to work and cooks meals. He cares for me in many ways, just as I do him. Your needs may look different from that of an able-bodied girlfriend, and that’s okay.”
“Remember, that above all, he’s with you FOR YOU. Not because of your disability or in spite of it. Remember that your disability also promotes some of your most redeeming qualities- a killer sense of humor, out-of-the-box thinking and creativity, or the ability to see a glass half-full. If he’s dating you, it’s because he likes you, wheels and all. “
Be sure to check out Allison’s original post!