“Five words that are supposed to fill you with excitement; “should we have a baby?” can terrify someone with a disability,” says Sam Smith who has cerebral palsy. Sam discusses his concerns and perspective on being a father with a disability.
“Although I too was filled with excitement, a million concerns were dominating my mind. “What will the child think of me?” “How will I be able to provide enough for the family?””
Sam states he was overjoyed to be beside his wife as she gave birth to his son, a moment in life he once thought would never happen for him. However, reality hit when Sam’s wife asked if he would like to hold his son for the first time. “My disability tends to wreak havoc on my arm muscles, so there’s no way I could hold him on my own. That was the first moment it hit home just how much harder being a parent was going to be for me,” he says.
But, before Sam could feel any type of sadness, his wife sat up in her hospital bed and placed the baby in Sam’s arms.
“After years of not really knowing who I was, those few seconds of holding my child as best I could filled my life with purpose.”
Sam writes about how he cherishes his wife for not only taking care of the baby but being a caregiver for him as well. However, he admits that he did start to go into a depression. “I felt as though I was supposed to be the ‘guy’ in the relationship. But how could I show that? There was nothing I wouldn’t do for our son and for my wife. My heart is their heart. But I was unable to physically do anything. It felt like my heart was locked in shackles,” he says.
Sam states that as his son got older he found it hard to bond with him because he could not perform the ‘typical’ dad duties, like playing catch. Instead, Sam’s son often took care of him when his mother was running errands, which was normal for him because that is how he grew up.
“Every day, as my son walked into school, he’d give me a smile that truly warmed my heart. It suddenly sunk in – I do more for my family than I’ll ever know just by being there and by loving them.”
But, Sam provides support to his family even if he does not realize it. He recalls giving advice to his son about talking to a girl he liked. Sam says, “I know I may not be able to do certain physical activities, but it reminded me that I could give my son something much more important – advice and guidance. With joy consuming my body I smiled at him and said: “Just be yourself and things will work out.” Then my special little boy said something that was truly magical: “One day I want to be like you and mum.””
Sam gives this last piece of advice, “The biggest thing you must remember when being a disabled parent, is to let your disability show your child what ‘ability’ is, what they can do and what can be achieved.”